When I had finished listening, I went back to class.  I soon started to become itchy.  At first I thought it was my imagination.  But, no, I was definitely very itchy.  I looked around and no one else was scratching.  What was wrong with me?  Then, I saw it—a bug on my arm!  I killed it and ran out of the class and into the barn to find my professor.

He looked at the bug and identified it as a horse-sucking louse.  Gross!  I did not want to be infested with lice!  So, I said to him, “What do we do?” This very nice, Australian professor said to me, “Don’t worry…we’ll just spray the horse down!”  I told him I did have some concern about the horse, but what about me?  He suggested I call a pharmacist.

So, I did and they suggested I come in for some special shampoo.  I got to the pharmacy and was really grossed out by the fact that I had lice!  I asked for the shampoo by the name they gave me and the pharmacist said, “So, you’ve used it before?”

“Um, no, I replied.  This is my first time.”

The man told me that this product was usually used repeatedly by people as it is primarily used as a treatment for genital crabs.

“Oh no!”, I replied, “I got it from a horse!”

It wasn’t till I was home and dousing myself with the shampoo that I realized why the pharmacist had such a strange look on his face when I said that!

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I was talking a lot, and should have been paying closer attention.  Suddenly a rapid stream of stinky, disgusting, rotten anal gland contents came flying out of Tinkerbell’s anals and right into my mouth!

It was impossible for me to remain professional.  I ran to the sink, swore (which is definitely not my style) and started spitting profusely.

I figured Mrs. Jones would never want to see me again after that performance.  However, from that point on she always requested to see me.  And every time she said, “Do you remember me? My cat Tinkerbell was the one who sprayed his anal glands into your mouth.” Like I could ever forget!!!

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Here is what was taken:

Oxytocin – They probably thought it was oxycodone (percocet), a narcotic that can cause quite a high.  Instead, what they took was a drug that causes severe uterine contractions.  Let’s hope the theives were not women!!!

Ketoprofen – They likely were expecting Ketamine which can cause some interesting hallucinations.  Instead they got an anti-inflammatory drug that if injected in high quantities can cause severe stomach ulcers.

And here’s my favorite:

Apo-Morphine – Of course they thought they were getting morphine.  However, we use apo-morphine to induce vomiting!  What a nasty surprise!

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I went through my usual list of questions…”Where is your dog the most itchy?” “Do you have any itchy red spots…” Suddenly I saw the man’s face turn red.  He looked very uncomfortable.  “Don’t worry”, I said, “Even though mange mites can bite people they can’t live on people for long.”  Do you think you have mange mites?

Without warning he dropped his pants!  I did not want to look but he was asking me to examine the itchy red spots in his groin area.  A quick look told me that it likely wasn’t mange and that he needed to see a doctor!!!

Two weeks later, Rocky returned for his second mange treatment.  He was doing much better.  I was curious about his owner’s condition but dared not ask.  Then, the man said to me, “Remember that rash I had?” How could I forget! “It was poison ivy!!!”

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As a teenager I worked as a receptionist at an animal hospital.  One day a man called and from what I could gather he had questions about his pregnant dog.  But the conversation was difficult as he did not speak english well.

It sounded like he was asking me how we could find out whether or not his dog was pregnant.

“When’s the bitch due?” I said, proud of myself that I could use the “b” word and still sound professional.

He told me she was probably about 3 weeks pregnant.

So, I said, “Well, we can probably feel to see how many pups are inside.”

He sounded confused but moved on to his next question…”Does the doctor help with the delivery?”

That was a little odd, but I responded by telling him that she should be able to handle things at home, but call us if there was a problem.

After some more discussion I felt that he was still confused.  So, I suggested that he set up an appointment to speak with one of our doctors.  “What is your dog’s name,” I asked.

There was silence…

I repeated it, “Your dog’s name?”

“My dog?” he said, “I was calling about my girlfriend!”

It turns out that he had dialed the wrong number and was looking for an obstetrician!  Not many obstetrical receptions would have said to him, “When’s the bitch due”, “we can feel to see how many pups are inside” and that “she can handle the delivery at home!”

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